I'm Back!

Life has been happening. We got the Big C in my family. But I am not allowed to talk about that. My dog also got the Big C and she told me it's fine if I talk about it. It was the saddest day of my life so you have to assume that my life has been easy. Or something. Or maybe I am exaggerating. But her cancerous tumor was surgically removed and contained and she will be eleven in June. I am throwing her a birthday party now that she is a cancer survivor! Panic rose in me and took over my day-to-day. I got that under control and work hard on that one.

Thank God for my running. I have gotten even better and faster. Maybe I can win in my age group one of these days. The Crazy Legs race landed me in the newspaper for my place/age - but I didn't win or anything like that. But I was in the paper. And my therapist saw it. So that's pretty cool. Then I was interviewed on the square while I was walking Scouters last week. Turned out, I was being interviewed by a national dude from Fox News! [BLAH]. But you can see my famous clip here.

Feel free to quote me or refer to my statement when writing speeches, discussing the Wisconsin recall, etc. [joke] Now, I am no trail blazer or anything, but what can I say? I mean, it wasn't exactly the most prestigious new station to be aired on. But it was national. Actually, it was sort of like going onto a tv version of the "National Enquirer."

In other news - I have just given up my independence, housing situation and car. After four years in my building off the square, I am moving in with my tattoo boy on the square and I traded in my car for a sedan. I had a mini panic attack on the way to Zimbrick Audi yesterday. Thought to myself: "Oh My God - I am NEVER going to live alone again! I just gave up my independence! I am now getting rid of the only thing that feels like it's mine - my car! What the hell am I doing?" But, once I drove off in the car I was all better. And safer. So, if I sound like an anxious wreck - well, it is genetic a disorder that I have.

Tattoo boy and I had such a hard time finding a place to live. Would you believe me when I tell you that condo rentals are like New York City real estate? Honest to god. When I put the word out about subletting my condo, I had literally and I am not exaggerating here - 10 emails in 12 hours.It was insane. Here is a sample of one of the zillions of e-mails I received about my condo: [Aren't we cute in this photo? We're on Lake Mendota and that's my sister, Leslie's hand-me-down bikini I am wearing]

Hi Janie, I have come up with quite a few questions, here they are... 1. is there a floor plan of the unit with dimensions I could see?
2. what floor is the unit on?
3. what does the unit look out onto?
4. does the unit have a balcony?
5. what are the types of flooring in the unit?
6. if there is carpeting, will it be professionally cleaned upon moving in?
7. in general, what is the cleaning process before i would move in ?
8. I know you mentioned subleasing and want to clarify that I can sign a lease from june 2012 to june 2013?
9. what additional fees will I be paying such as electric, sewer, water, trash, cable/internet, etc.?
10. Since this is owned, are there any association fees i will have to be paying?
11. are small dogs allowed? if so is there a fee?
12. is there a maintenance crew on site?
13. does the building offer any green space or rooftop deck?
14. is there guest parking available? cost?
15. since you have lived in the unit have you experienced any troubles with the owner/landlord or building? hope this is not too many questions, I just want to make sure I cover everything! As for seeing the unit, I am currently living in Milwaukee and do not have plans to come to madison until I have some new hire appointments April 20th. If your answers suit my needs and you would like to have a lease signed before that date, I can try to arrange time to come to madison.

Thanks so much,

Here is my response:

Hi Sarah,

Sorry but I just rented it. Good luck!

Honest to god - you can't waste your time asking all of these questions! By the time you hit "send," the opportunity is G-O-N-E! No joke. And also - why do people e-mail so much? If you really want to know something, pick up the phone and dial the number. Until next time.

How I Started Running [and Loving it]

When I was fourteen, my friend put on her running shoes and told me to go jogging with her. I had tried to run around a track at the local gym but wasn’t doing it right. When you run in gym class, you tend to sprint and that’s what I was doing. I would go one time around and think “no way can I do this!” Going jogging with my friend, I could easily keep up and we continued around the block a few times.

I had accompanied my dad to a number of Cleveland Revco Marathons when I was really young. [I wish I could say it was to watch him which would be way cool, but it was to sit with him in a slow-moving van that assisted with communications via ham radio.] Anyways, I was introduced to this long competitive challenge long ago.

When we got a treadmill after that jog at fourteen, I could run slowly. By the summer, I was doing three miles in thirty minutes which seemed fine with me. It wasn’t until the winter of 1996 that I went outside and went for a long run. And I just kept on going. I had no idea that I was capable of doing that.

I tried to get into running and had a little bit of a routine. By college, I was running about three days a week. That was first semester. Second semester, I failed miserably and came home after freshmen year at 144 pounds. That’s the biggest I have ever been. [I now weigh around 110 – have for almost ten years. And even though my ex boyfriend saw my weight on my license and made some obnoxiously rude comment, the last time I went to the doctor, I was 110. Thank you very much! Most people don’t believe me when I tell them I was heavy for a second. But I am really tiny. Not gonna lie. So it surprises some.]

The weight came off and by senior year of college, I was about 120 pounds and wore a size two. I moved to Boston and ran most mornings before work with Scout. This was more for Scout than me. She was only one and was home alone all day. I thought it was very important that she get the run before she was alone all day. By the spring of 2003, I was inspired to train for a marathon after watching the Boston Marathon on Patriots Day.

Let me tell you about the Boston Marathon. It is one of the ultimate marathons because unlike most marathons, you have to qualify for it [unless you do one of those “Team in Training” type of fundraisers.] For example, if I wanted to participate in it, I would have to run a previous marathon at about an 8.40 pace. [Dad – you would need to complete one at a 10.8 minute pace, so you should really consider it. Just saying]. So, I watched the marathon and said, “I can do this” and then I signed up for one and started training.

I chose the Columbus [Capital of Ohio] marathon because my sister lived there, the slogan was “fast, flat and fun” [that’s a total lie, by the way], and I knew it would be an easy drive for my parents to come and watch. The weather was supposed to be decent at that time of the year [October] and it gave me enough time to train. And train I did. With absolutely no support from anyone, including my place of employment, [who asked me if I was running a marathon both days because they wanted me to work on Saturday – “Um, hello?”]

I trained alone. In fact, for my final long run, I ended up posting an ad on craigslist to find people who would run with me because I didn’t want to run that entire distance alone [too boring]. I didn’t care about my time at all. I just wanted to do a marathon. I met two strangers and we did the run and never saw each other again. After that final run, I had sprained my foot and injured my knee and couldn’t put any weight on it. Three weeks out from the marathon, the doctor told me to lay off the running and I should be ok.

I flew to Columbus and did my very first [and perhaps only] marathon and I hated it. I hated the training and I hated that nobody from Boston seemed to understand it. But whatever. Different times. Different situations. My parents were there and they were proud and my favorite sister [just kidding!] was there for me. And I slept incredibly well that night. I forgot to put my chip in – oh well. I just wanted to complete a marathon.

After that awful experience, I didn’t like running. I ran one more small race in Boston that March. Last minute, three sisters asked me to run with them so we could form a team. And we actually came in third place and won some money.

I took up running again in 2005. I was then living back in my hometown in Cleveland, Ohio. And that is when I started running six days a week. I got fast. I liked it. And that’s when I began to wonder why more people do not do aerobic exercise. And that is when it began to baffle me.

I mostly ran at the gym but when the weather broke, I started running outside. Cars failed to go around me and I ended up giving that finger in the middle to a lot of large SUVs. I was also alone on the roads. I would try to run places – like to people’s houses, coffee shops, etc. But where I was living didn’t seem conducive to this. And I found it really annoying. I don’t like driving somewhere to go for a run. It seems sort of pointless.

I decided to do another race without caring about the time or training. I had raced in a few of those Komen races – but those don’t count. [At least not to me]. In 2008, I did a five miler in forty minutes. I didn’t train or anything. I mean, I ran almost thirty miles a week – I didn’t care if I won it. Then I realized I was improving. And I really liked it.

I had recently visited my sister and brother-in-law in Madison, Wisconsin. And all I could notice while visiting them was how many people I saw when I was out running. And how the city was laid out so well that there were running paths absolutely everywhere. And they were incredibly utilized. Running in Madison was way more fun than in Cleveland.

And this was one of the key reasons I moved. [Besides a few others]. So I moved to Madison right around the time I started this blog and got my route figured out. I changed it up a few times. I am down to one I have been doing for about two years. And I still really enjoy running alone because it is my time for introspection. It keeps me thin and feeling great.

And that one day in May of this year, when I was out running and saw signs for the Madison half and asked myself why I wasn’t doing it and went and signed up and ran it the next day without training for it under two hours –[ thank you very much] is completely credited to my obsession with running six days a week.

So when I met my current boyfriend [can you keep up?] we talked about running on our first date and I discovered that while I thought I was extremely regimented with my running, he is even moreso. And he is extremely competitive. So I started running faster.

I signed up for the Berbee Derby and wanted to break my PR. Now, for those of you who are into running, you know that the night before a race, you don’t sleep well. I have those dreams – you know the ones where when you get to the race and it already started? They are actually nightmares. So I slept horribly and when the race started, I didn’t feel it. I told myself, “F it and just do what you need to do.” I came in ninth in my age group which I was happy about at a 7.44 pace, but not at all breaking a PR. Boo Just not a great race for me. But there will be more.

I can now run a mile in under seven minutes and it just makes me feel more competitive. I enjoy a good, fast run and nothing compares to the fabulous feeling when you are done. I have absolutely no pain [joint problems, aches, etc] from running. I highly recommend it. Especially if you are trying to lose a little weight.

I had four other close girlfriends run in the Berbee Derby, along with my cousin’s boyfriend, my 69 year old uncle and my boyfriend [who came in fifth out of 1,543 runners] and it is so nice to have a group of people who get running and appreciate it as much as I do. There will be more races to come.

I'm just getting started.

Emotional Movies

Three years ago, I went to see the "Sex and the City" movie with my loving sisters and one (of two) brother-in-law.

I love movies. I love seeing them and I love talking about them with friends. I feel like you can have some really great movie conversations. Mainly, I like to discuss feelings which comes out in these discussions. I will ask questions such as:

"Did you cry?"
"Did you watch it alone? Did it make you lonely for someone?"
"Was it depressing?"
"You need to see "X" because it will make you laugh out loud."

So when it really comes down to it, I am all about setting my emotions up for something when I see a movie. I have to be in the right mood or place to see something sad/heartfelt/funny/cheesy, etc.

The other thing about movies is that I have to be comfortable letting myself cry. And sometimes I am really in the mood for crying and other times I refuse to let myself do it. And crying can feel really, really good. And really therapeutic a lot of the time. So once the tears are allowed, they usually don't stop.

I have not let myself cry during a movie in a really long time.

But back when I went to see "Sex and the City," I got really teary eyed in that last scene. There is nothing significant about it to the average person. At the time, I was living in Cleveland, thinking about moving to Madison. Miranda, Carrie, Samantha and Charlotte all walk down the street together. And they look so happy. So happy to be united. And here I was, watching it with two of my closest friends (even if they are my sisters) and it felt so good to be with them. But I was really, really missing my girlfriend time with all of my girlfriends. And it made me cry a little. I'll never forget that feeling because of my extraordinary memory.

So now that I am in Madison and have made a lot of good girlfriends, it has felt so good to be able to walk down the street like the gals from the movie. And know that I have a nice community here of friends. Where I can wake up in the early morning and have text messages awaiting to meet for breakfast or dog parking or whatever. It just feels so good.

Go to Therapy, Already!

I am really mad. Because I am the one who did all the work and now I am the one who goes back for more work. Do you know I have been to about eight or nine therapists in my short lifetime? This is not because I am some demented person with an abusive past. This is because history repeats itself and I am very cautious.

For work, I met with a delusional, pathological liar, who claimed to have worked with high-profile, public figures. But their facts were all wrong. Nothing was adding up. I knew immediately that they were sick in the head. "Get some help, girl!," I wanted to yell at her. Instead, I am the one seeking help. This just doesn't add up.

And if one more person tells me, and I am quoting here, how I "Opened up their eyes," I think I am going to puke. Because this isn't my job. It is not my job to steer people towards the "Road of Help."

Do you have an issue with your parents? Do you feel the sudden need to identify with a religion? Do you belittle your loved ones (most of you who read this do and don't even know you do it). Are you obsessed with things - perhaps food/work/putting down your lover? Not over your ex? Confuse your newest break-up with your narcissistic ex? Have an inappropriate relationship with your mom/dad? Helicopter parent? Work twenty hours a day? Expect too much from yourself/others? Married your first "love?" Don't know what the hell love is? Married the first/second/third person you slept with? Dating your therapist? Dating your lover's therapist? Sleeping with many women/men? Decided you're suddenly gay? Compulsive liar? Living with an alcoholic? Dating a gambler? cohabitate with someone you don't really love but tell yourself you do? (And don't realize it)...

When I wrote that everyone needs therapy, everyone does, indeed need therapy! I am healthy. And this is because of therapy. I am not addicted to work. Or really anything. I have a healthy routine of diet and exercise. Healthy relationships and a great balance of work and life. I know how to live. I never dread where I am in life. Or how I lived my past. I don't have any regrets.

Someone sent me an e-mail about a year ago, accusing me of "not being happy" because of a lot of my postings. Wow! What a great analysis of me! You deserve an award. And, by the way. if you want to criticise me, that is what the "COMMENTS" section is for.

Am I happy? I don't have to prove that to anyone. Anyone who needs to prove that they are happy probably isn't. I am just really tired of doing the work when nobody else is. I had a friend who vented to me non-stop. For some reason, nobody wants to leave me alone with their problems. I finally gave up and said "You know, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds painful. But I am not a professional. Have you thought about going to one?" I repeated this each and every time they complained to me. Each and every time. I never changed the wording. Did they go? I don't know. I moved. We lost touch. I doubt it. They didn't sound like they wanted to change things. Some people sound very happy having their problems. There are some people who like the drama.

But most healthy individuals I know have gone to therapy at some point in life. And if you haven't gone, then I advise you to go. There have been times where I don't know what I am even going to discuss until I sit down. But there is always plenty to talk about.

Putting Things into Perspective

I had a horrible week. I spoke too soon in my last post. And how do I deal with a horrible week? I talk about it with anyone who will listen. This has always been the way for me to cope with my problems.

Yesterday, my nephew started to cry. He was holding his toy in one hand and had his milk, and he was a disaster. (I took him out of the crib too soon....) I looked at him and thought, "He thinks he has problems?" He is probably sad because he wants his favorite toy or he knows his parents are going to go out without him or something stupid like that! And his parents - they have it bad. A two year old and a four month old and full time jobs and no sleep and constant crying simultaneously and non-stop diaper changes and thirty minutes just to get in the car. So now I don't feel so bad about my problems....

And then I went to talk to someone about my problems and they were upset about a major family issue involving insane false accusations and then I realized that I was happy because at least I don't have family drama remotely close to that.

There are four aspects of life at this point: Work, Relationship, Family & Friends/Hobbies. And I want them all to align all of the time...

But when they are not all aligned properly, the best thing to do is to put things into perspective. This is so hard - much easier said than done. Someone can tell you to focus on the positives which can be difficult. Talk to your friends. Talk through your problems. It amazes me how many people bury their issues. I am not capable of this.

As I have talked with each person about my crappy week, I have really, really tried to take the time to ask them about them and how they are doing. And knowing that nobody's stars are aligning all of the time can really make you feel like you are simply living life. And you are not alone.... Everyone goes through difficult weeks.

Madison Is a Little Too Friendly

I'm coming up on my one year anniversary, Madison. It's bittersweet. And it happened so fast.

Now, obviously I enjoy the company of people. But, I have always valued a little bit of alone time. Perhaps that is why I like living alone so much. And I have mentioned that you are not alone much in Madison. Especially if you are outgoing and will talk to anyone.

And so, I am actually starting to get slightly irritated by the amount of friendliness that is going on. You know, some days, I just want to have an hour to myself. Owning a dog, this seems to be difficult. If I have an hour at home, it gets interrupted a lot. Which is totally fine. Except like this past weekend, when I spent all weekend with people and decided I just really wanted to have the night to myself on Sunday. I was left alone around 5:00. (Hence, the last blog post). My dog hadn't been out since the morning. My friend texted me to come to the terrace. As much as I wanted to be there and see my friends, I turned the invitation down. I took the dog out. I made it about three blocks when I was approached by someone who recognized me and we walked and talked for about 20 minutes. I am sort of at a point where I feel that if I need some "me" time, I have to hibernate in my apartment.

The next day, I take a walk after work. I tell myself, "Just look down!" The first group of homeless hippies look at me and one shouts, "Hey there's my ex wife. Nice leash!" As I take my own advice and look down, a woman comes by and says "beautiful dog!" I didn't even make eye contact with her. It's like everyone has to talk to each other around here. Which is fine and dandy, except when you aren't in the mood.

Then there was the woman by the library last week who asked me, all of the people walking by, to help her put her DVDs in the book drop. And she was scared of my dog. Who wanted to sniff her out. Why me?

If you are looking for a friendly town, this is it. There is no way out of friendly conversation with strangers. Out with friends, we often befriend neighboring tables. We have invited people who we don't know to sit with us. By the end of a night out, you may have a whole new group of friends. I am not trying to criticize. I just think it's sort of funny that even I feel a little annoyed with the niceness.

Living Alone

In 2002, I signed a lease with two friends, and shared a three bedroom apartment near Boston. By October, I was dreaming of living by myself. I was twenty-two, and naturally, had never experienced a home of my own. It wasn't until October of 2003 that I finally lived by myself. It didn't last long. It was a crappy area near MIT, and my tires got slashed twice in two weeks. That put me back about $500.00. I hated it.

I am embarrassed to say that I really haven't lived alone since then until now. And the timing couldn't have worked out better, because I HAVE to be left alone when I throw up, and yesterday morning, at 5 AM, I woke up with the stomach flu. The first 4-5 hours were spent on the floor of the bathroom, and every time I changed positions, I got sick. Every time I stood up, this also induced vomiting. I was held captive to the porcelain bowl - a horizontal woman.

I don't know why I have to be by myself when I am sick, but I have always been that way. I remember kicking my family out of the room when I was a teenager, telling them, "I am nauseous, and I need you to leave." They graciously obeyed my request.

A few months ago, my friend was deathly ill, and when I came by to check on them, I stayed as far away from them as possible. Later on, they asked me why I didn't help them, as they grasped on to the toilet. "What did you want me to do?" I asked. "You could have stroked my back, or something," they replied. "Really?" I thought. I explained that I need my solitude when feeling this ill. I just assumed they wanted the same. Weird. So some people want an audience during this feeling of awfulness?

In the past, nobody would have even known I was sick. There would have been no reason for anyone to find out. Living by myself, here in Madison, I had one major problem- since I couldn't really get up without getting sick, I couldn't take my dog out. So, before I knew it, I had about 5 offers from 5 different people, asking if they could help. I am not used to this. It just goes to show how good people are. My phone was beeping all day long. It was nice to know that after living here only three months, I knew I could get help if I needed it.

There is a real sense of "having everything at your fingertips" here. I feel really close to everything in Madison. I don't think any one thing or person is more than four miles away from me. And by thing, I mean bars/restaurants/stores/museums/concert venus etc. It is reassuring to know that.

I don't wish this stomach thing upon my worst enemy. I hope you all stay healthy. And remember, if you ever need anything while you are hugging the porcelain gods, I will be there, but if you want me to rub your back, you better communicate that, otherwise, I will stay as far away from you as possible.