I am about to get real personal.
I have come to the conclusion that I think too much. And last week, I realized that my biggest complication is dating. It is too much work. I don't consider myself a dramatic person, but this is tumultuous. At times, I just can't stand the emotional intensity of a relationship and the amount of work that is put into it. Every time I take a break from dating, I tell myself, 'I am never going to get married. I am just going to go out, have a good time, not get emotionally attached..." but it never works out that way. I am a self proclaimed "relationship hopper," I can't play the field and have fun. And I tried! I swear, I did. I really, really did.
I am in the strangest relationship. We don't get along a lot of the time. By the weekend, I usually yell something along the lines of "You're a horrible person." OR "You're an ASS HOLE!!!" OR "This is over!" And he usually follows up with, "Pick you up at 3 for the 3:45 movie?"
And I told him a while ago that I am not good at being friends with a guy. I like guys too much. Which is weird because I thought I was a lesbian for a second a long time ago. So, I don't think he trusts me. And I really don't trust him either. Do I worry at night if he's going home with another girl? No. But, I see the way he looks at girls. And he accuses me of flirting. But you know my rule is this: You can look but you can touch. Right?
So, last week, I was walking with my dog to his neighborhood. I walked by a bar off of the square. At one table, there were two men seated having drinks. I smiled and said, "hi" as I walked by. I could feel them staring at me.
Flash forward to the next day. An old friend from college who I had lost touch with and hadn't spoken with in about four years (we recently reconnected) sends me an e-mail stating, "remember when you sent me the phony missed connection on craigslist?" Of course I remember doing that to her. She thought some guy was after her and it was me. So, I decided to go on "missed connections" on craigslist. Low and behold, this guy, who I walked past the night before has sent me a missed connection. Nobody has ever sent me a missed connection before! How exciting! I was excited!!!! It was so ironic.
I told my boyfriend. I think he was mad, although he didn't say he was. And I was mad because Mr. Missed Connections complimented me in a way that my boyfriend never does. And he should be. Because he's my boyfriend.
Now, there is more to this story. The same day I was "miss connected," I was asked out in a casual sense. And I sent them to my blog. To understand why I wouldn't go out with them. And also because I am in a committed relationship. (So, I hope you don't feel I am exploiting you here. ) I am obviously exploiting my relationship on here. Oh well.
And I was mad at my boyfriend again. Because the "casual asker outer" complimented me with about 72 adjectives that I have heard from other men. Which I don't hear from my boyfriend.
And when we were eating dinner on Friday night, I thought I should tell him everything. Like, if he was in my situation, I would want to know. But then I just got upset and told him that the saddest part of all of this is that he doesn't say these things to me that these two strangers have said to me. Then I was outside the restaurant and I ran into Ryan Paugh. And there I am, standing out there, crying. And he says he reads my blog. After all, he does post it on Brazen Careerist quite often. And I am thinking, "Here I am, outside the restaurant where my boyfriend is, crying on the sidewalk, and Ryan probably thinks I am a wreck. Because my blog refers to relationships and how much damn work they are..." Ryan was so sweet. And he's such a warm, friendly person. So I know that whoever Ryan ends up with won't be blogging about how much work he is.
So this much I know: I always feel that my life will go on with or without a man. I will be ok. I have learned to protect myself. But I am exhausted from this. So, maybe I need to stop thinking so much and just live my life.