Take My Advice

Occasionally, I like to point out what facebook was created for. The commencement of facebook and what it has become are very different.

And I am sure I am being completely insensitive when I say that the child updates/profile pictures are - well..... not what Zuckerberg had intended facebook to entail when it was created. I know, I know, I have photos of my dog on there.

Here's the thing. I am a child of the 1980s. If I knew that my parents had blasted photos of me and funny quotes that are currently sitting out there in cyber world, I think I would be weirded out by it.

So this is why I have decided to stop putting up photos on facebook of the children. Not mine. I have none. But of other people's children. Because I feel like I am exploiting them.

And on a totally separate note, I want to say that last year for work, we were asked to give our new year's resolutions I succeeded in mine. Yes - I vowed to stop carrying three bags and a coffee cup to work and it worked all year! Yes!!

Also - since I like to give unsolicited advice out here and never get much feedback, have any of you stopped using so much water? Started exercising? Ended a relationship? or simply started some therapy?

It completely baffles me why more people don't take better care of themselves. How can people continue to do nothing for exercise and eat garbage while watching reality television all day long? The perks of exercise are so AMAZINGLY incredible which INCLUDE:

1) Better mood
2) More energy

Hello?!

Oh! Did I mention looking good? Skinny waist!And you will skip an avocado because it is fattening and eat fried cheese curds?? What is that all about?

And what's the deal with marrying your first true love? Do you really think thirty years down the road, you aren't going to have changed and wondered what it would be like to live alone? Or date someone else? What is that all about?

Oh - and see that photo I have here with the non-exploited child? Yeah, with the Christmassy background? Yeah, that's right. Because I am agnostic, I guess.

I would also like to admit that I complain a lot that Madison is not diverse but don't do anything about it [Like a typical American]. I was thrilled to have attended a dinner party the other night that included four foreigners. And they were not all caucasian. I am making progress.

Lastly, I will share with you that my greatest fears are losing my dog and falling on the ice and not being able to run. Any suggestions?

Have a great day!

The Rules, 2011

Well 2011 is coming to a close. We are almost in the twelfth month. And with this close, I would like to blog about what I have learned in relationships - AKA - "The Rules." I have blogged about them in 2008, 2009 and 2010.

A lot has changed for me. And a lot has stayed the same. For example, I am wearing glasses I have had since 2006. And a sweatshirt I have had since 2003. Ok, enough joking around.

I feel like I have become more of the person I was since I graduated. For example, running was very important to me in 2003. But it's even more of who I am now. And I was interested in cooking back then, too. But these days, I would say I am known as a pretty great cook. Even more so in the past few months. As we get older, we grow more into ourselves. A grumpy thirty year old is going to be a NASTY fifty year old. Just remember that.

And so, we move onto..... My rules:

1) I believe this was about not living in the same state as your parents or your partner's parents. Here is what I learned about this that makes a VERY large impact on your entire relationship. I love not feeling like we have to check in with our folks. However, if I had to change rule number one, I would definitely change it to: He must get along with his parents and enjoy them. He must have no conflicts with his parents. This is first and foremost. If he enjoys his parents, his ENTIRE baggage is very, very tidy - if at all existent. And so, I enjoy that our parents are far away. And I love that we both appreciate and love them dearly.

2) No Marriages. I still agree that a starter marriage is totally cool. As long as he doesn't have some ex who he doesn't get along with or has access baggage with, I am totally down with a starter marriage. It's practice for the real thing.

3) I am stuck on no kids. First of all, I don't know if I want them. I don't want a man who has them. I made the mistake of waiting until the end of the date to ask Tattoo Boy if he had any. [he doesn't]. It is something you need to ask at my age. Kids are cute. So are puppies and I don't even miss those. No kids. Thank you.

4) Friends are first.... Hmmmm.... I have a lot of them. I have really great friends. I have to say, I am so lucky. I hope they will tell you I put them first, but I would have to ask them. Ladies, please comment here!

5) Don't Allow Men to do Manly Things for You... You know how I was single for one month and one day? It's not because I am "dependent." In fact, I would think I am the opposite. I do a lot on my own. And as of late, I really can't think of any handy work I had my man friend do. I hang my own pictures, I move my furniture, I fix things. I am woman!

6) I fully believe a workaholic is no good. Still. I will always stick to this rule. Anything with the word "holic" at the end is bad news.

7) Same Age. I still believe..... Yes - date someone in your generation. The energy/vibes/aging process remains consistent with yours. I can't relate to someone who still gets drunk at 9 AM, as they wouldn't be able to relate to someone who wants to listen to hours of NPR.

8) Yes - your ideal day needs to match. If you don't have the same interest in how you would spend a day together, you do not have the same interests. I am very active and do not like sitting around. Fortunately for me, my man is one of the top runners in town. He has motivated me to become faster. We love exercise, take work seriously and love to blog/social media. We also love "working the room" together, meeting new people, cooking/eating, being outdoors, etc. So important!

9) I added the one about being attractive. You really need to be attracted to your partner. This is so true. Forget a fat slob. He's gotta care for himself. And you need to find him cute.

A Eulogy of Sorts

While running this morning, I was thinking about all of the people I would like to thank for where I am today. And by today, I mean literally today. Tuesday, September 20, 2011. Here in Madison, Wisconsin.

I would like to thank the following people:

Melissa, Gretchen, and Emily. Oh - and Pitbull. Oh and Tattoo Boy, too.

Melissa got me in touch with Tattoo Boy. Actually, she pushed this a while back. So for that, I say "Thank you, Melissa!" You are the bomb. Not only have you encouraged me to pursue this, but you have helped me to get here - with work/life/sanity - I owe you.

Gretchen because as I say, I was already happy and she showed me that I could be even happier. She introduced me to boating and tailgating. She showed me how much more fun life can be [not even materially].

Emily helped me prep for some dates. I was a bit of a wreck and boy did she help. And when I texted her from the bathroom on my first date with Tattoo boy, she reminded me that you only live once.....

Which brings me to Pitbull. One of the songs of our summer. "You might not have tomorrow...." So - thank you, Pitbull. And if ever I have room on a boat for one more person, I will bring you, Pitbull. [And not T-Pain].

And then Tattoo Boy - I am not ready to reveal his identity because - well - if you have seen me out with a boy with tattoos, then you know. But thank you to you, too.

'Tis the Night Before the Weekend

This week was not as exciting as last week. Besides inhaling a piece of granola for the second time and "choking" [Ok - It really wasn't choking], I didn't do anything out of the ordinary.

This "Spacer Dog Guy Owner" from the dog park was texting me to get together. Here is how it went:




SDG: [That's for Spacer Dog Guy]"Hey Janie! What are you up to this weekend?"

JGW: [That's for Janie G Winston] "Oh - I think a bunch of us are going to Plan B." [Then thinking to myself, "Is this dude wanting to hang out one-on-one or what? I said I had a group...."]

SDG: [A few days later] Hey Janie! How was your weekend?

JGW: [24 hours later] Good. You?

SDG: Great. I visited family, etc, etc. Play by play. [I don't know you but I am going to tell you all about my wknd] You want to meet for lunch one day this week?

[JGW is thinking - "This is so random! I met him like one time! Do I have some sign on me that says I am looking for lots of dates or what?" I mean, he is cute and all]

So, I am having a drink with my friend and I am telling her about this. How innocent are you people? The advice that I didn't take that was offered to me was:

"He's probably looking to meet new people since he is relatively new in Madison." And I am like, "He wants to go on a date with me."

So, here was my response to him:

"You mean like a date? Because I sorta got a man...."

And forty-eight hours later, realizing I am going to see SDG again really soon [afterall, this is Madison and we go to the same dog park], it occurs to me that I better make sure I didn't offend him.

JGW: Sorry if that was rude.... I just didn't want to lead you on and I am very blunt.

SDG: It wasn't rude. It was just letting me know.

Aha! I knew it! So, the moral of the story is to be forward, people and also I would have to say that the dog park is a good place to meet people. So, make sure you look hot at the park.

And here is my dad several days after I broke up with my former "Mr. Right Now:"

Dad: [That stands for Dad] So, are you making any friends?

JGW: [Thinking to myself, I have a zillion friends. Why is he asking me this?] Oh! You mean like am I dating?

Dad: Yes.

JGW: C'mon just say it! I am having fun. I don't think I really need more friends, per se.

And then came Tattoo Boy....

Here is me in therapy:

JGW: So, I am already talking to this new guy. And you know, I worry because I don't believe in marriage. And it makes me a little nervous.

Therapist: Well, do you get really intense in the beginning?

JGW: Yes.

Therapist: Ok. Well since you are aware of that, you need to be cautious of that.

JGW: Ok. I am fine with that.

And so, I am going home with him this weekend.... [Afterall, it's been at least - what - a few weeks since we started hanging out?]

Other than that, boating was a success this past weekend. We spent the day on Lake Mendota, through the locks to Monona. Very fun times. I think the mad dash from the hair color appointment to prevent aging to the Union to hop on the boat was a success. [I had about 20 minutes notice]. But I packed my bikini to my hair appointment. Just in case.

Sadly, summer will be over in about one month. I am ok with this. Soon, I will be cross country skiing over the lake. And the Halloween party I have been talking about will have taken place. I even had a dream the other night that I was picking out my costume.

Stay tuned for more fun summer adventures.

The Past Week

This summer has been far from dull. After I got all into boating, and losing a flip flop and my keys in the elevator shaft, I have now seen a dead body and had a small (but not serious) injury.

Here's the run down. I befriended a Forensic Pathologist who mentioned he was on his way to an autopsy. I wanted to watch. So, I got to see a body being autopsied. But I feel really bad for the situation so I am not going to say anything else about it. Except that it was more than I imagined. That and if you decide to have a cup of coffee at EVP in the VA hospital, just know you're feet away from dead bodies in a cooler.

I then had an ultimate weekend of partying it up in Mad-town with my first visitor! My cousin stayed with me and we had a ton of fun including running into my ex-boyfriend at a bar ["Hello!" if you are reading this!] and an old "wayward fling" at the same time ["Hello if you are reading this!] who approached me as I was having a "laughing attack" from all the hype at 1:30 in the morning. My boat captain who was out for the fun decided to bail on us and aborted our boating plans on Sunday which was disheartening.

I have now been hanging out with tattoo boy [because, you know, I was completely single for one month and one day - entirely too long], who agrees to randomly hang out with all my "new friends" who I meet when I am out and about.

Do you ever notice in Madison how friendly everyone is? I have this facebook policy that I have to stay under 200 friends at all times, but I keep on expanding my social circle here, so I am constantly at 199 friends. [By the way, if you try to find me on facebook, I am really hidden].

And while we were out boating a few weekends ago, everyone asked me how I knew the captain and I told them "We met at a Starbucks on State Street two years ago." And then I realized how weird that sounds. And today I had lunch with someone I met on the Barriques patio. And when you are out drinking, you tend to become friendly with people on the patio and then the next thing you know, there are four of you, two guys and two girls and you look like two couples [even though none of you know each other], and that's just how I roll. And tattoo boy totally goes along with this. I think in the last two weeks, we have sat with random strangers at bar tables 50% of the time like we are on some double date. Do you know what I am talking about? It's a Madison thing.

Take last night, for example. Well - let's start with my injury. Walking the old dog around the square, she smelled something and took off and took me down to the ground with a hard hitting of the head. Mortified and in pain, a cute man offered to help me in which my friend said I should have invited him to come over because she was with me and she thought he was cute. My clothes were dirty [she pulled me down by a tree on a small tree lawn], my ass hurt and I was worried about a concussion, so I decided that I should go to Graze and have five glasses of pinot grigio.

Meanwhile, tattoo boy was texting me, so I told him he should probably wake me up every two hours during the night to make sure I didn't have a concussion - doctor's orders.

So, hanging out at Graze, Mr.Divorcee comes over to tell me his problems [I think I may have asked him a question or two] and found out that he had a vasectomy and his ex has a personality disorder. Since my new hairdresser likes Graze [after all, I met her there - sort of], I invited her to meet me there and the next thing I know, we are seated at a table with Tattoo boy, hairdresser and vasectomied/divorcee - like we are all good friends.

I would like to announce that I finally bought a new camera which was so ridiculously overdue. Thanks to the several glasses of pinot grigio I had last Monday night, I spent over $300 on silent auction items that I won. I also have a $200 to Williams Sonoma so I can go shopping for the Halloween party I am throwing this year that I haven't stopped talking about on a daily basis.

On that note - time to go get walked by the D-O-G!

The Origination of this Blog

Here's what I really want to blog about. I am single. I have been single for almost one month. I am sure that all my ex boyfriends are reading this. As well as any man I have gone out with on a date and will be going out with. Not because I am arrogant. But because they will tell me. Or they have told me. I have not been single in a really long time. And it's time to be single.

I am non-committal. No. I take that back, but I am not deleting it. I am anti-marriage. And while I have been asked if I am working on that in therapy, I don't see a point. I am happy with it. When I first started this blog in 2008, I wrote about getting out of a relationship. And the main thing I point out is that if you are unsure, then it is time to get out which most people do not do. And I do what I want because life is just too short to do it any other way.

Now, I know someone is going to verbalize that I am being way too open here and this posting is not to be intentionally specific or anything like that, but I need to get this out there in the open.

When asked this week why I started the blog, I realized that I had never even told the story. Three years ago, I was thinking about starting one when my sister e-mailed me a blog on the progress of her friend's house project. I looked at their blogspot site and saw that I could create my own. And I did. Right then and there. I wanted to journal about my move to Madison, Wisconsin. And then I e-mailed some people and told them I had started my blog about my new life.

And the fresh journey still feels extremely refreshing. And this was never a site to bash ex boyfriends and it never will be. I like to talk about my personal experiences. And now that I am single and I have pointed out how easy it is to put yourself out there. I am going to repeat my earlier posts.

And while my aunt just said that people meet either at a bar or online, I completely disagree. I have never met anyone online and I never will. I have nothing against it. It's just not my thing. I have also never dated anyone I met at a bar. Everyone is fair game, so the opportune time can happen - well - at any moment. Always be prepared for that.

And that's all I am going to say for now. Especially since I just scheduled a date with someone who is probably reading this......

The Rules, 2010

When I wrote "Everything I Learned About Relationships" in October of 2008, I wasn't kidding around. I wrote my eight rules that I try to follow when it comes to dating. I may want to add some here and there, but I am reflecting, as I did in March of 2009.

Well, now it is almost March of 2010, and I am reflecting back on my rules.

Let's reflect. Number one is about not living in the same city as your parents or your partner's parents. I still feel strongly about this. And maybe it is because I tend to date men who have bad relationships with their parents. I don't know. Look at the way he treats his mom. That's how he is going to treat you. Unresolved issues with the folks? That's a red flag.

Number two is about not dating someone who has been married before. It is ok if there are no kids in the picture. I am currently reading a non fiction book written by women who date men with ex wives and children. They all have the same complaint - she is still in the picture, even though they are divorced. Let's think about this: You are in an unhealthy marriage with children. You fight a lot. You already sleep in separate bedrooms. You get divorced. You still see each other and communicate all of the time because you have children together. You are still fighting a lot. You are still sleeping separately. What changed? Not much, other than it is ethical to date other people and you do not have to live under the same roof. (Do you sense a little skepticism of the marriage institution here?) The starter marriage is still ok with me. Practice for the real thing.

Number three states not to date someone with kids. See above. Strongly agree. There are too many wacko ex wives out there.

Next: Friends first. Definitely. Many nights, I will see what the girlfriends are up to first.

My fifth rule referred to not allowing men to do manly things for you. I am slowly failing at this. There was something really sexy about watching my boyfriend with the electric drill....

Rule six refers to not dating a workaholic. I think this is huge. Statistically, workaholics have psychological problems. They are ignoring their problems. They don't take care of themselves and tend to have health problems and strained relationships. Does that sound sexy to you?


Number seven is my rule referencing the importance of dating someone your own age. I think this is important. You tend to be in the same place.

My eighth rule is my favorite. See if your "ideal day" matches up. All this really means is that you have the same interests.

I am going to add another rule. Number Nine is an obvious one. He needs to be very sexy. He has to workout. He has to be toned/tall/dark/handsome/whatever you find sexy. You know why? Because if all you like is his personality and he starts to get on your nerves, at least he is still attractive to you.

A Meeting with the Ex

It has been an unforgettable week for me. I took on a little investigation.
Madison is small. So small, in fact, that you cannot really be too secretive. I was watching the french film "La Ceremonie" last night. In it, two disturbing and unremorseful women learn that they have both been accused of different criminal acts. One had recently been hired in the small town as a maid for a wealthy family. It had me thinking. If you attempted to hire either on of them in Madison, their names would be so tainted that their resumes would never hit your desk.

You can't get too far around here without someone knowing your name. And I took on my own investigation when I got upset enough with my boyfriend that it was time to hear about his romantic past. It became my duty to seek out his last serious girlfriend and have a conversation with her.

It started a long time ago. When he refused to go into my favorite coffee shop. After enough interrogating, he finally admitted that he dated someone who worked there. After doing some of my own research, I found out that she no longer worked there. About six months later I found out everything I needed to know in the event that I needed to get in touch with her. Supposedly she wanted to get in touch with me. A few weeks ago, when I walked into the coffee shop en route to work, I knew it was her who was waiting on me. And she knew it was me. I could just tell.

So when we sat down together the other day and had a chat, I said "I could just see that you knew who I was. There was a look there. And I knew it was you, too. Somehow, I just knew". After a discussion on things, she was rather helpful. He didn't know about the meeting until after the fact. And he is not happy about it at all. He thinks it is totally weird. But it was so good for me. And I recommend it.

I don't know if I am more curious about the ex girlfriends/wives than others. A long time ago (in fact it is still in my "drafts"), I had started a posting on this topic. I am always curious about what the ex is like. I think an ex girlfriend or an ex wife says a lot about the person. And to hear about their dynamic is intriguing if not helpful.

We obviously are a generation where ex partners exist. Many of them. Our parents may have not had this benefit, marrying so young but we are lucky.

My peers have histories of relationships behind them. Why aren't more of my friends doing this? I have no jealousy here. At my tete-a-tete with the ex, we even shared intimate things about ourselves. None of it bothered me. I would be her friend if it didn't piss him off so much. She probably would have come to dinner with my girlfriends and me, if she hadn't already had other plans.

I think my biggest curiosity about the whole thing in the beginning of the relationship is "what does she look like?" After getting over that, I want to know about their personality type and how my partner dealt with them in a crisis. And of course, it is so important for me to find out why they didn't last.

Clearly, I liked her. She said she wished she had taken on my approach when she was dating him. I told him if I could, I would interview all of his ex girlfriends and write a guide. Maybe I will create a group of facebook. I can be the administrator. Wouldn't that be fun?

My Heavy Heart

Sitting at the Memorial Union last Friday, eleven days ago, I looked around the cafeteria and thought about all of the students who will soon be leaving for vacation for a month, give or take. A lot of them looked international. "They must really miss each other, but somehow, they get by" I thought to myself. They make it through long periods of time without seeing each other. I can do it, too, I think. My boyfriend, sitting across from me says, "People are going to think we broke up!" I am sitting there crying. Today is the day he is leaving for sixteen days for his trip to India. And I am dreading the "good-bye."

How my feelings have changed as much as they have, I can't explain. If you look back to my rules, you will see that I think it is so important to avoid putting your friends on the back burner when you start dating. I cannot emphasize this enough. As I call myself a "serial dater," I was so very cautious about this relationship in the beginning because I wanted to create a life for myself in Madison that did not require a man at all times. I made a life outside of him. This means that I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of my own hobbies. I do not rely on him all of the time. But I have grown to really value us. And with all of these people in my life and things to do, I crave my alone time.

Three years ago, I decided that I wanted to go to India. When I met my boyfriend and mentioned that to him, he said he wanted to go there, too. He posts his annual goals on his blog. Something that I should do. His India trip was included on that list. (One of his 2008 goals was to, "Find a great girl to date" which he said he accomplished - he must be two timing). I was excited that I met someone who was interested in going there. But I am not ready. And I am glad I am not there, to be quite frank.

And the worst part of him going was saying "good-bye." Because I have my own life that occupies so much of my time. And although I miss him, I am so not dependent on him, that I am too busy to think about it a lot of the time. And you know what they say - "absence makes the heart grow fonder." This has been good for us.

Tomorrow, I am taking my own separate vacation to Montreal. This is my first solo trip and I am very excited. I am thrilled on the weekends when I can decide exactly what I am doing, without having to beg people to be flexible. This will be very enjoyable for me.

So, the lesson learned is to make sure you have established a life without your partner. It makes you more independent and happier in general. Studies have shown the importance and significance of having good friends.

Until then, have a great week. I am sure I will write about my trip upon my return.

Tradition

Another night of laziness. I'm afraid I have become quite delinquent in posting. And yet again am not in the mood for a Madison endorsement. A year ago, I was getting myself into a "not so serious" relationship, planning to keep it as casual as possible. In fact, one year ago, November 2008, I was trying to figure out how to end it. Coincidentally, we were in Chicago for the Festival of Lights (we did not know that event was taking place that weekend) and we enjoyed it. After doing it twice, it's a tradition, correct?

In 2008, en route from Chicago back to Madison, (I was reminded by some friends and my boyfriend, himself), that I was hoping to wrap things up with him. Come 2009, and we are making this trip an annual occurrence. Obviously, I didn't end it.

My fearfulness and skepticism of relationships stems from a variety of things. The main being statistics. And I think if you do not have an agenda involving children, then you can put the brakes on.

I met with my financial advisor today. He asked me about my goals, of course. For the first time, I felt that I admitted out loud where I see myself in three years. If you know me, then you wouldn't be surprised with what I said. But this got me thinking quite a bit. And I am sure that I will be there in three years.

But for those who delve into the "seal the deal" game of mating, I just can't relate. Still not afraid of turning thirty without a ring or a baby is perfectly fine with me. What I will have is my pride. And all of this damn gray hair.

And I have grown so much since a year ago, when I was trying so hard to not like my boyfriend. Because I obviously like him a lot. And so do all of my female cousins. Which probably makes me like him even more.

En route from Chicago back to Madison after our "new tradition," I wasn't contemplating the end of us. I was looking forward to spending the rest of the day with him.

Put Yourself Out There

This week, I have been asked by three or four different people how I met my current boyfriend. Have you ever noticed that people get very giddy telling that story? Ask someone today. They will have this big smile on their face as they relive the tale. I can tell you a ton of people I know still smile cheek-to-cheek when asked to retell the moment they met their significant other. (Unless they have been married for 25 years. In which case, there is no grinning at all).

And I realized that I have always had a good story to share when asked this question. It was never a dull, "We met at a bar" or.... "we met on match.com..." Not that there is anything wrong with these things. Because there isn't. I have a knack for putting myself out there and I think it has something to do with my ability to talk to absolutely anyone.

Take my first long relationship after I graduated college. We met at the dog park. We continued to run into each other there on the weekends and finally exchanged information. I wasn't going to the dog park to find a man. But I was putting myself out there, regardless. As I would wherever I went (including the grocery or running path - no joke). I just always kept my eyes open.

My current situation is similar. Sort of. After meeting on King Street, we ran into each other two more times that week. After exchanging numbers, we got together a few days later. Was I putting myself out there on King Street? No, actually. But I wasn't acting like I was unavailable, either. Or that I was committed to someone else. Or that I was not interested in men. I don't know what vibe I gave off. Because truthfully, he told me that we danced and I got "real low on the dance floor" with him and he tried to talk to me and I was "a mute." I have absolutely no recollection of either a) dancing with him OR b) him trying to talk with me. He is the "mute" and I never stop flapping my gums. I remember that the night was wild and I was newly single and free - not interested in anyone, really. Just letting whoever came my way know that I was, in fact, single.

So - this vibe of being "available" comes off. And he said he wasn't interested in me. And I wasn't interested in him. But somehow, I was letting him know I was putting myself out there. This is easy.

None of this came easy to me before. I have progressed a lot in this category. And a year ago, I started writing this book on how to date an ass hole. And then I stopped taking my own advice and ended up in this relationship after swearing off committed relationships.

I have even taken friends out, saying, "let me get you a man..." or, "I'll take care of your dry spell for you."

I have never had to get fixed up because I am always fixing myself up. Or, I am fixing up everyone around me. I love to match make. So, put yourself out there and let people know you are on the "hunt." Wherever you go, seek out a person. Find out their history. Are they single? If so, why? (This is very, very important. I have recently had to do my own personal investigation because my boyfriend was being too private for my liking. He is not very happy that my "new" friend, who lives with his ex girlfriend, invited me to his birthday dinner last week.........) On another note, always look and feel good about yourself. You can't feel good if you feel like you don't look good. Even when I go across the street for a bottle of wine, I try to dress nicely so I can carry myself with dignity.

After all, you never know where that special someone is. Whether they are in the line at the movies or a hiking trail, your future relationship may be right in front of you tomorrow. Always be prepared and let them know you are available. And don't give up. They are out there.

Dating is Complicated and Irony was Last Week's Theme

I am about to get real personal.

I have come to the conclusion that I think too much. And last week, I realized that my biggest complication is dating. It is too much work. I don't consider myself a dramatic person, but this is tumultuous. At times, I just can't stand the emotional intensity of a relationship and the amount of work that is put into it. Every time I take a break from dating, I tell myself, 'I am never going to get married. I am just going to go out, have a good time, not get emotionally attached..." but it never works out that way. I am a self proclaimed "relationship hopper," I can't play the field and have fun. And I tried! I swear, I did. I really, really did.

I am in the strangest relationship. We don't get along a lot of the time. By the weekend, I usually yell something along the lines of "You're a horrible person." OR "You're an ASS HOLE!!!" OR "This is over!" And he usually follows up with, "Pick you up at 3 for the 3:45 movie?"

And I told him a while ago that I am not good at being friends with a guy. I like guys too much. Which is weird because I thought I was a lesbian for a second a long time ago. So, I don't think he trusts me. And I really don't trust him either. Do I worry at night if he's going home with another girl? No. But, I see the way he looks at girls. And he accuses me of flirting. But you know my rule is this: You can look but you can touch. Right?

So, last week, I was walking with my dog to his neighborhood. I walked by a bar off of the square. At one table, there were two men seated having drinks. I smiled and said, "hi" as I walked by. I could feel them staring at me.

Flash forward to the next day. An old friend from college who I had lost touch with and hadn't spoken with in about four years (we recently reconnected) sends me an e-mail stating, "remember when you sent me the phony missed connection on craigslist?" Of course I remember doing that to her. She thought some guy was after her and it was me. So, I decided to go on "missed connections" on craigslist. Low and behold, this guy, who I walked past the night before has sent me a missed connection. Nobody has ever sent me a missed connection before! How exciting! I was excited!!!! It was so ironic.

I told my boyfriend. I think he was mad, although he didn't say he was. And I was mad because Mr. Missed Connections complimented me in a way that my boyfriend never does. And he should be. Because he's my boyfriend.

Now, there is more to this story. The same day I was "miss connected," I was asked out in a casual sense. And I sent them to my blog. To understand why I wouldn't go out with them. And also because I am in a committed relationship. (So, I hope you don't feel I am exploiting you here. ) I am obviously exploiting my relationship on here. Oh well.

And I was mad at my boyfriend again. Because the "casual asker outer" complimented me with about 72 adjectives that I have heard from other men. Which I don't hear from my boyfriend.

And when we were eating dinner on Friday night, I thought I should tell him everything. Like, if he was in my situation, I would want to know. But then I just got upset and told him that the saddest part of all of this is that he doesn't say these things to me that these two strangers have said to me. Then I was outside the restaurant and I ran into Ryan Paugh. And there I am, standing out there, crying. And he says he reads my blog. After all, he does post it on Brazen Careerist quite often. And I am thinking, "Here I am, outside the restaurant where my boyfriend is, crying on the sidewalk, and Ryan probably thinks I am a wreck. Because my blog refers to relationships and how much damn work they are..." Ryan was so sweet. And he's such a warm, friendly person. So I know that whoever Ryan ends up with won't be blogging about how much work he is.

So this much I know: I always feel that my life will go on with or without a man. I will be ok. I have learned to protect myself. But I am exhausted from this. So, maybe I need to stop thinking so much and just live my life.

Your Relationship Isn't Really About the Two of You

Here you are, or at some point, you have been in a romantic partnership. You have issues. Everyone does. Whether your problems are based on who does more housework, or you not being supportive of your partner going back to school, issues are always going to be there. However, if you dig deep enough, and analyze these matters, they aren't always about this dichotomy.

In an argument with Mr. Right Now, our disputes always resolve around the same thing. Every time. But this is not all about him and me. In the room (or car, or grocery store, or hiking trail,) there is my family, and his. What I mean by this, is that "our" quarrels are mostly a result of the family issues we had, have, and are working on.

As an example, let's just say you are dating someone who has brains, but his noggin was never recognized. He wants to prove himself, and in order to do that, he puts you down. So, his parents belittled him, making him feel incompetent, and because of this, he corrects you constantly. Now he feels better about himself. And now, you feel like crap. You feel this way as a result of his parents never giving him the confidence he needed, which you are not used to. Your relationship gets too crowded and perplexing. Right now, you have your boyfriend and his parents and their condescending behavior towards him all coming down on you.

I don't know anyone who hasn't had some sort of turning point in their life. Every one of my friends has had something - the loss of a sibling, rehab, divorce, becoming estranged from family members, alcoholism, illnesses, etc. We all go through hard times. But when entering a relationship, these hardships become the baggage that is brought into the romance - like it or not.

Watching an episode on DVD of "This American Life" recently, (yes, they actually make a television program of it), a woman pointed something out, that is forever implanted in my head, about her relationship with her boyfriend. She said that your issues come out when you are dating someone. Now isn't that the truth? These tribulations that we all have are enlarged and in turn, we are forced to look at them dead on.

My battles vary from being fearful of getting married and "settling" to identifying with a religion. I wasn't just born with this. I didn't wake up one day and start freaking out about the concept of marrying someone, and spending the rest of my life with them. These stem from my experiences, and are brought to my attention specifically when I am dating, especially because I am very vocal about my opinions (in other words, I am opinionated).

I'll be the first one to admit that I am a serial monogamist. So, I never get a break from my issues... From what I have seen, you have to keep in mind that their family history will become your baggage. What I mean by this, is that most of their problems have evolved from their upbringing. It can get pretty congested between the two of you....