Occasionally, I like to point out what facebook was created for. The commencement of facebook and what it has become are very different.
And I am sure I am being completely insensitive when I say that the child updates/profile pictures are - well..... not what Zuckerberg had intended facebook to entail when it was created. I know, I know, I have photos of my dog on there.
Here's the thing. I am a child of the 1980s. If I knew that my parents had blasted photos of me and funny quotes that are currently sitting out there in cyber world, I think I would be weirded out by it.
So this is why I have decided to stop putting up photos on facebook of the children. Not mine. I have none. But of other people's children. Because I feel like I am exploiting them.
And on a totally separate note, I want to say that last year for work, we were asked to give our new year's resolutions I succeeded in mine. Yes - I vowed to stop carrying three bags and a coffee cup to work and it worked all year! Yes!!
It completely baffles me why more people don't take better care of themselves. How can people continue to do nothing for exercise and eat garbage while watching reality television all day long? The perks of exercise are so AMAZINGLY incredible which INCLUDE:
1) Better mood 2) More energy
Hello?!
Oh! Did I mention looking good? Skinny waist!And you will skip an avocado because it is fattening and eat fried cheese curds?? What is that all about?
And what's the deal with marrying your first true love? Do you really think thirty years down the road, you aren't going to have changed and wondered what it would be like to live alone? Or date someone else? What is that all about?
Oh - and see that photo I have here with the non-exploited child? Yeah, with the Christmassy background? Yeah, that's right. Because I am agnostic, I guess.
I would also like to admit that I complain a lot that Madison is not diverse but don't do anything about it [Like a typical American]. I was thrilled to have attended a dinner party the other night that included four foreigners. And they were not all caucasian. I am making progress.
Lastly, I will share with you that my greatest fears are losing my dog and falling on the ice and not being able to run. Any suggestions?
Well 2011 is coming to a close. We are almost in the twelfth month. And with this close, I would like to blog about what I have learned in relationships - AKA - "The Rules." I have blogged about them in 2008, 2009 and 2010.
A lot has changed for me. And a lot has stayed the same. For example, I am wearing glasses I have had since 2006. And a sweatshirt I have had since 2003. Ok, enough joking around.
I feel like I have become more of the person I was since I graduated. For example, running was very important to me in 2003. But it's even more of who I am now. And I was interested in cooking back then, too. But these days, I would say I am known as a pretty great cook. Even more so in the past few months. As we get older, we grow more into ourselves. A grumpy thirty year old is going to be a NASTY fifty year old. Just remember that.
1) I believe this was about not living in the same state as your parents or your partner's parents. Here is what I learned about this that makes a VERY large impact on your entire relationship. I love not feeling like we have to check in with our folks. However, if I had to change rule number one, I would definitely change it to: He must get along with his parents and enjoy them. He must have no conflicts with his parents. This is first and foremost. If he enjoys his parents, his ENTIRE baggage is very, very tidy - if at all existent. And so, I enjoy that our parents are far away. And I love that we both appreciate and love them dearly.
2) No Marriages. I still agree that a starter marriage is totally cool. As long as he doesn't have some ex who he doesn't get along with or has access baggage with, I am totally down with a starter marriage. It's practice for the real thing.
3) I am stuck on no kids. First of all, I don't know if I want them. I don't want a man who has them. I made the mistake of waiting until the end of the date to ask Tattoo Boy if he had any. [he doesn't]. It is something you need to ask at my age. Kids are cute. So are puppies and I don't even miss those. No kids. Thank you.
4) Friends are first.... Hmmmm.... I have a lot of them. I have really great friends. I have to say, I am so lucky. I hope they will tell you I put them first, but I would have to ask them. Ladies, please comment here!
5) Don't Allow Men to do Manly Things for You... You know how I was single for one month and one day? It's not because I am "dependent." In fact, I would think I am the opposite. I do a lot on my own. And as of late, I really can't think of any handy work I had my man friend do. I hang my own pictures, I move my furniture, I fix things. I am woman!
6) I fully believe a workaholic is no good. Still. I will always stick to this rule. Anything with the word "holic" at the end is bad news.
7) Same Age. I still believe..... Yes - date someone in your generation. The energy/vibes/aging process remains consistent with yours. I can't relate to someone who still gets drunk at 9 AM, as they wouldn't be able to relate to someone who wants to listen to hours of NPR.
8) Yes - your ideal day needs to match. If you don't have the same interest in how you would spend a day together, you do not have the same interests. I am very active and do not like sitting around. Fortunately for me, my man is one of the top runners in town. He has motivated me to become faster. We love exercise, take work seriously and love to blog/social media. We also love "working the room" together, meeting new people, cooking/eating, being outdoors, etc. So important!
9) I added the one about being attractive. You really need to be attracted to your partner. This is so true. Forget a fat slob. He's gotta care for himself. And you need to find him cute.
Here's what I really want to blog about. I am single. I have been single for almost one month. I am sure that all my ex boyfriends are reading this. As well as any man I have gone out with on a date and will be going out with. Not because I am arrogant. But because they will tell me. Or they have told me. I have not been single in a really long time. And it's time to be single.
I am non-committal. No. I take that back, but I am not deleting it. I am anti-marriage. And while I have been asked if I am working on that in therapy, I don't see a point. I am happy with it. When I first started this blog in 2008, I wrote about getting out of a relationship. And the main thing I point out is that if you are unsure, then it is time to get out which most people do not do. And I do what I want because life is just too short to do it any other way.
Now, I know someone is going to verbalize that I am being way too open here and this posting is not to be intentionally specific or anything like that, but I need to get this out there in the open.
When asked this week why I started the blog, I realized that I had never even told the story. Three years ago, I was thinking about starting one when my sister e-mailed me a blog on the progress of her friend's house project. I looked at their blogspot site and saw that I could create my own. And I did. Right then and there. I wanted to journal about my move to Madison, Wisconsin. And then I e-mailed some people and told them I had started my blog about my new life.
And the fresh journey still feels extremely refreshing. And this was never a site to bash ex boyfriends and it never will be. I like to talk about my personal experiences. And now that I am single and I have pointed out how easy it is to put yourself out there. I am going to repeat my earlier posts.
And while my aunt just said that people meet either at a bar or online, I completely disagree. I have never met anyone online and I never will. I have nothing against it. It's just not my thing. I have also never dated anyone I met at a bar. Everyone is fair game, so the opportune time can happen - well - at any moment. Always be prepared for that.
And that's all I am going to say for now. Especially since I just scheduled a date with someone who is probably reading this......
Due to my last posting, on what I have learned in relationships, I have been asked to expand on the "dating someone with kids" issue. I will generalize here, to keep things as private as possible.
I would first like to acknowledge that my favorite blogger, one who writes career advice, consistently reveals all sorts of personal information, including her sex life. If you think I am bad, at least I don't think I do anything inappropriate like that.
Now, onwards to dating a dude with kids. Don't do it. The first problem is that there are no rules anywhere, as far as what is suitable, and what is not. For example, if you all go on a vacation together, do you tell the kids that you share a bed when you stay in a hotel room, or do you lie, and hide it from them? This is always a concern for single parents with children. Should you role model and lie, or should you be truthful? What if the kids find out you are lying?
I am not only speaking from experience as a person who dated a single parent, but I am an adult child of a divorced family. In a divorce, I think kids really start to question their parents' sincerity. I feel like parents do lose a little trust when there is a divorce, because everyone is looking for someone to blame.
So, you have the whole "no rules," trust issue.
Now, if you know me, and follow my blog, it is evident that I am opinionated. It is very hard to date someone raising children, when you can't agree with their parenting style. I can tell you that no two people are going to agree on their child rearing skills at all times. It becomes difficult, though, when they are not your own kids, and you really do not have a right to contribute any advice on how they should be parenting. You will end up just watching, and having to disagree, and this can be very hard. If your boyfriend allows their kids to watch tv before they have finished their homework, and you think the child should be focusing on their schoolwork, you really cannot say anything. It is a pretty helpless feeling. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
The "sharing" part is a pain, as well. I imagine it is very hard for the parent, too. Sometimes you want to just spend some quality time with your man, and not even tell anyone where you are, and what you are doing. Unfortunately, they are a parent, and they have to be there for their kid. They can't really "escape," and at times, they can't be there for you at all. On a positive note, that's a sign of them being a good parent.
There is always a chance that the kids will dislike you. Who knows what they hear from the other parent. This can make for a very uncomfortable situation. You can begin to dread being around them, and they can dread being around you.
As a single person with no children, you may assume "parental" responsibilities, such as getting up with the child during the night, coordinating their social schedule, or driving them to and from school. You end up "jumping" into parenthood. If you are young, and end up doing this, you may feel that you have grown up very fast - faster than your friends who are still living the "single life." You give up part of your youth.
You know that when you are in relationship, there are things you are going to disagree on, whether it is your taste in music, your religious beliefs, or whether or not you want to settle down, but this adds another issue that can be avoided by not dating someone with children.
Again, these examples are not personal nor specific. If you want to be spontaneous, and make things easier on yourself, make sure he doesn't have kids. Do paternity testing, if you have to! (Only joking).
This certainly has nothing to do with Janie in Madison, but I can reassure you that while in Madison, I intend to be without stepchildren.
People who know me, know that I am always thinking, dissecting, and analyzing. In the past few months, there has been a lot of time for introspection, and I have ruled out what to look for and not look for in a relationship. I really haven't been single since I was twenty-two, and I am not proud of this. The importance of getting to know yourself and have a sense of independence are important, and I am going to tell you that I have to work very hard on the independent part - believe it or not. I know, I know, you are thinking "You just up and moved 500 miles," but just read on, and read my rules. I am going to write this from a female's point of view, but this does apply to males, as well.
Again - I am NOT an expert on dating. I am sharing what I have learned. If you don't want to read this whole entry, please, read rule number eight, because I think it's the best rule.
1. Do not live in the same city as your significant other's parents. (Or yours, if you can help it - sorry, Mom and Dad)
The first month I lived in Madison, I joked that I needed a man whose parents are both deceased - but not when they were too young, and it couldn't be a tragic death, because I didn't want to deal with the baggage. Preferably a dude whose parents died of old age, and he dealt with it in a healthy manner.
I prefer to have a private relationship. What you and your boyfriend are up to at any given moment is none of his parent's business. I don't want them too involved. Period.
2. Don't date anyone who has been married before.
Now, this obviously applies to women of my generation. If you are forty-five, and looking for a dude, keep your options open. For women my age, there are enough problems to work on in a relationship, why add an ex into the mix? Enough said.
3. Don't date anyone who has children.
I am going to elaborate on this a little, because even though this is obvious, I have given advice on this topic before, and I don't want you to come crying to me about the kid issues, when I could have said, "I told you so." (And this has happened). Do you want to share your dude with his kids? How about when you don't agree with his child rearing, but it's not your job to say anything? Did you ever think that the kids could hurt his feelings, which in turn, hurt yours? I could probably write a twenty page essay on this rule, but you get the hint.
4. Friends are First!
I think a lot of us have made the mistake of putting a guy before your friends from time to time. I know it's very exciting in the beginning of a relationship, but your friends will be there for you always, and the dude may not. Do not cancel plans on your friends because you haven't heard from the new guy in three days, when he suddenly asks you on a Friday night to meet in an hour for drinks. He will still be there tomorrow, and he can wait. Play hard. You can always meet with him at the end of the night, anyway.
Especially if you are in a new place, it's very important to keep your friendships with your girlfriends strong. Do not rely on a guy for your social life. What if he breaks up with you? What if he travels a lot for work? It is so important to have that sisterhood, and I think a lot of people move to cities, meet someone, and rely on that one person for their entire social life. BIG mistake. Who are you going to have when he is gone? It is also healthy to have a life outside of the one you are forming in your dating life.
5. Do not rely on a guy all of the time.
When I used to have a car problem, or needed a picture hung, or got sick, my first thought was, "Call Boyfriend." Not anymore. Especially if you are just starting to see someone, BE INDEPENDENT! Don't even let him know you had a problem, unless he calls you. Again, I think it's unhealthy to start to become dependent on a guy. (Maybe Madison is getting to me). Because of my "independence," I have learned how to jump start a car!
6. Don't date any type of workaholic.
Do you want to be informed on November 5th that the next three weekends are out for your social life because he has to study? Forget it. Don't do it. If you want to wake up on a Saturday morning, and decide to go for a day trip which includes a trip to a winery, forget a workaholic.
Fortunately, our generation is more about working to live, not living to work, so if you are around my age, and dating someone around our age, you should be ok.
Spontaneity is key. This brings me to rule number seven......
7. Date someone your age!
I finally got it, you guys! After years of dating people in different "decades," I see the significance in dating someone my age, and I will never go back. You can remember the same movies, songs, cartoons, toys, technological advances, have the same goals, are in the same place in life, the energy level is the same, etc.
8. Ask them what their ideal day is.
This is the best thing I have done. I have asked the "What's your relationship with your parents," and all that other garbage, right off the bat. But, I have found the way to really know if you are compatible, is to find out what they want to do on their birthday, or what their "dream day" would be. For example, when asking this, I exchange my day, by saying,
"I go for a run, then take Scout to a state park, and hike for a few hours, then see an exhibit, or stop at some historical site on the way back (spontaneous, again), and then wine and a good meal are included."
If they are not interested in doing something outdoorsy like that, or being with my dog, or having a little wine, and doing some fine dining, we are not a match. Their ideal day has to match up with yours.
I hope you find these tips helpful. I had to work hard to condense this, as I have a lot I can say about the "dos" and "don'ts" of dating. Again, I am not an expert. I am a twenty-eight year old, never been married woman with a little "experience."
If you think you are "stuck" in a dried out, dull, relationship, please read my "Getting Unstuck" entry, and get out there, and date around.
